Tomorrow marks a year of Tim’s being diagnosed with leukemia. Some may think it is rather morbid of me to remember this anniversary, but that’s me I guess. On your wedding anniversary, do you sit around and ask your spouse, what were we doing at this time ___ years ago? We do, and it’s a rather fun tradition to keep those memories alive, I think.

 

But, this time last year, I was trying to navigate my way around St. Luke’s top floor for the first time, wondering why with a hematology problem Tim was placed on the oncology floor, while pushing my 5 week old around in a stroller. I watched the elderly people with no hair push their trolleys around, and wondered to myself what I was doing there. I sat in my bruised husband’s room trying to wrap my mind around the idea that no one knew what was wrong with him. I was partially convinced if I stayed by his side though, that he wouldn’t die, like I had some sort of super powers or something.
I remember running through all those verses I’d memorized and all those truths about God that I’d learned in all the years of my life as a Christian, and realizing that this was really where the rubber was meeting the road for me. Sure, I’d had trials before, but there was nothing in my 25 years that could compare to the threat of becoming a widow with a newborn, and losing the man that I love so much. I don’t think all the tears in my life combined could add up to the amount that I shed during those first couple of worrisome days; tears of fear and worry, and tears of pleading before my Lord. I was searching for answers.

The waiting was the worst of it, because I love to be informed. Information has been my sword to fight off fear in my life, but this time information itself wasn’t even enough. The Lord had to be enough for me. I’ve heard people say that God is enough. What a simple statement, and yet in this time it proved so difficult for me to believe that. It was the only solution to all the questions I'd been asking: what if Tim dies before they find out what's wrong? What if he lives with this for a long time? What if he can't work again? What if I become a widow? What if they can't do anything about this? Before, God was mostly enough, and my husband was the rest. I didn’t realize that, until he got sick. I didn't realize what a dangerous place that put me in.
The Lord didn’t call me to have to put that lesson to the ultimate test. As you all know, Tim is alive and well, and continues to be the best husband that I could ask for. And yet, the Lord still has to be enough for me, even though I forget it from day to day.
When we see the bills coming in, and wonder why leukemia has to be so expensive, we have to remember that the Lord is enough, and that money is just money… it stays here, when we move on. When we see hair falling out, we have to remember that the Lord is enough… hair is just hair, and Tim didn’t have that much of it anyways. When we begin to lose our faith, and wonder about the future, about recurrence of the leukemia, or seeing one of our boys develop the condition one day, we have to remember the Lord is enough… He brought us through before, and He will be the one to bring us through again.
So, I remember the anniversary to remind myself that I am not enough. No amount of information can cure fear, because it comes from a heart that is not trusting God, one that wants to be able to solve all its own problems. God has to be enough for me, in every day, in every situation, and in every problem.

Rejoice with me today. He sent Jesus to die, so that we would look to Him to save us, and not to ourselves. He provided what we desperately needed but had no power to accomplish. He is enough.

Well, it's been forever again. It's really not my fault this time. I like xanga better than Facebook, but because I can talk to about 80 times the amount of people on Facebook, I spend more time there. Pathetic, giving in to to peer pressure like that, I know, but what can I do? It's also due to the fact that summer is finally here, and we don't spend nearly the time indoors that we did a couple of months ago...

A couple of weeks ago, we took a trip to the Zoo, for the first time with Ben. We got free tickets because Tim is a cancer-survivor, and it was Cancer Survivor Day. Isn't that a weird thing to be at 28? Whatever, free tickets are free, and free is always good. There were a ton of people at the Zoo, walking for the Lombardi Cancer Clinic, and a lot of them had on shirts saying who they were walking in memory of. At first, I wanted to turn around and walk out of the zoo. Seeing that opened up a raw wound, that I didn't realize was still there. What if I was there walking in memory of Tim, instead of next to him? I am so extremely blessed, to still have him here with me day in and day out, and in good health to boot. 

 
Life moves along so quickly sometimes, that I forget what this last year has brought us. Ben will be a year old in about 2 weeks, and then 5 weeks after that it will be a year since Tim was diagnosed with leukemia. Needless to say, I spent a day rejoicing to walk next to him, and to see him holding our boy. The Lord didn't have to choose to spare Tim's life, but he did, and I am thankful.

 
So, enough of that...
Ben is trying really hard to walk, and goes everywhere with his walker. He stands alone, when he doesn't realize what he's doing, but falls down as soon as he does. Hopefully he'll be up and going in the next couple of weeks. My belly isn't huge yet, but, it's getting more and more in the way of carrying him. I'm looking forward to him walking for that reason, even if it will mean more chasing him!

For Father's Day, we made imprints of Ben's hands and feet. Don't ask me how many tries it took me to just get to the plaster with his paws before it dried! When we finally did, I realized that Ben thought the plaster looked yummy, and that he should eat it. For that reason, I am not posting a picture of the hand mold. It looks like he has a couple of extra fingers on each hand, and one hand looks more like a claw, because he didn't press his hand down flat he tried to grab the plaster instead. The feet turned out cute though, and Ben put on his fake smile for the occasion. :)
Other than that, we've been swimming, playing outside, and learning how to make animal noises. Ben wakes up in the morning, chirping like the little bird that he is...

Enjoy your summer!

Okay. So I finally have a minute to sit down and write about the latest around here.
Ben is everywhere all at once. We are discovering just how many adult things we have lying all over the house. I am realizing just how dirty the kitchen floor can get even though I swear I just washed it. And, Ben is full of bruises, because he is refuses to be any type of cautious. Yikes.
He started really crawling well about last Tuesday or so. He now does not stop. On Sunday, we went into his room to get him up in the morning, and he was standing there. He had pulled himself up in the crib. Now everything from the TV stand, to the package of water bottles sitting in the hallway, are tools to aide him in standing on his own. He even transferred from one thing to the other today, and stood alone for a couple of seconds.

Obviously, he had been standing there for a while, and didn't know how to get down. When I walked out of the room to get the camera, he started crying, like, hey get me down! He didn't even pose his usual cheese face for the picture, because he was freaked out. Now he just falls over from wherever he's standing when he wants to get down, and rarely cries about it.
How did all of this happen in a matter of days? I know he was more than ready, and had been working on it for a while, but I mean come on! My life has taken a major turn. I now have to chase him around the house, declaring which things he is allowed to touch and which not. If you have kids, you know what a "fun" time this is. I can't take my eyes off of him for a second, unless he is in something, or napping, so that he is immobilized.
Of course, it is amazing to watch this little baby that was born helpless just 10 months ago (tomorrow), transform into a fully mobile and adventurous little boy. He's already figuring out how to walk on the furniture, and my little content boy will not be content to crawl for very long, I think.
So, that is what's new.
We went to meet the newest friend for Ben who was born May 7th. Eric and Tash had little Ariel Helena last two weeks ago, and she is an absolute angel. She couldn't open her eyes for the picture though!

When Tash goes back to work Ariel is going to come over here for a couple of days a week. Ben is looking forward to having a friend around!

These are just a couple of extra shots of the haircut.

Ben wants to follow in Uncle Alex's footsteps and become a pianist. He sure loves to make any type of noise.
Until next time...